Tuesday, October 6, 2015

Self Reflection: Betrayal, Hurt and Letting Go

This will be kind of a different kind of post. When I imagined creating a blog, I imagined it as a space where I could share whatever I was interested or felt like talking about. A mix between a scrapbook and a diary of sorts. And while thus far the majority of my posts have been more broad and general; recipes, fashion and advice, this one is going to be a bit more personal. If that's not something you're into reading, feel free to skip over this and come back soon (I'll be posting some recipes and more weekly Pinterest picks soon!).

A teacher of mine mentioned something last week that stuck to me for the past few days and I really wanted to write about it, to maybe just gather my thoughts. She mentioned how a nurse working on the floor I'm currently doing my clinical in had said that she prefers working with men. Why? Because if you get in an argument with a man, you'll argue and then everything will go back to normal. There's that tense moment where you have it out for each other, and then all is forgiven and forgotten. But women hold grudges. They don't forgive and forget quite as quickly. My classmates and I laughed and rolled our eyes at how annoyingly true this was, but the more I think of this, the more I realize, I AM one of those girls.

A saying I've been told many times is that "a smart girl forgives but doesn't forget". But I think I have a problem with both. I've been hurt many times in my life. Some small, fleeting blips on the emotional radar, and some so painful and crushing I wasn't sure how I'd get myself through them. And while I wish I was the strong character my mother always pushed me to be, I know I'm emotionally fragile. An eternal optimist always hoping for the best and being let down once it gets ripped away, just millimeters beyond my grasp. I don't mean to use this as an excuse, but rather an explanation perhaps, for why I feel less and less capable to forgive those who have wronged me.

I see being able to forgive someone as a sign of strength of character. And I suppose in that way, I am not strong. I feel hurt and betrayal in a really profound way and lately I have a hard time seeing past it. In the situations where I have forgiven, I sure as hell have not forgotten. And I hate that. While a so proclaimed "smart girl" should forgive and not forget, that doesn't quite work for me either. Because that makes me paranoid. It makes me anxious and distrustful and suspicious that maybe it'll happen again. Even in situations where I know it will not happen again, I still worry. I don't want to be this way, I really don't. It takes up so much of my energy: worrying about things that don't even need to be worried about. But sometimes I'm worried that my ability to trust has been damaged. I could trust someone with my life, but still be cautious in handing them my heart.

I feel like I've gone off on a tangent, but it does feel almost therapeutic to get my feelings out in words. Hopefully, for those who chose to read this, it has been at least worth the read.